Remembering My Promise

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ilyssa Johnston was born in Kansas City, Missouri, and is currently a senior at Missouri State University. She is pursuing her undergraduate degree in Creative Writing, with a minor in Museum Studies, and plans to travel outside of Missouri to pursue a master’s degree in Museum Studies. Ilyssa has always appreciated the creative writing process, which began in high school, when she wrote scripts for the drama club. She says, “I write because I have always been passionate about spreading awareness about mental health, how extraordinary it is to connect and how important it is to include representation of Black people. Whether that be shown in fantasy, romantic, sci-fi or supernatural settings, it allows me to see us in a new light and know that we belong in any genre.”

Ilyssa spends her time watching anime (her favorite is “Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure”) and listening to Frank Ocean in her spare time. Continuing her fascination with fantasy and the supernatural, Ilyssa is now writing a Black vampire romance that includes the history of slavery, voodoo in New Orleans, Jazz in Kansas City and Black people as a whole.


Remembering My Promise

BY ILYSSA JOHNSTON

(C) 2024

“Kordelia! Kordelia!” I screamed out my car window. I am searching for my daughter, but she is nowhere to be found. My mind is racing as I start to feel a burning sensation all over my body. I am overwhelmed with fear because my daughter is missing. I try to keep calm, but my heart is pumping. I parked my car when I saw that Evan was calling me.

“Hello, did you find her?!” I yelled, overwhelmed with emotion.

“No, I was hoping you did!” he said.

I grunted as I slammed may hands on the steering wheel. “Shit! Where could she be?”

“Don’t worry, we’ll find her. Do you have any other ideas?” he asks.

I sighed, trying to think were else she could be. I tapped my fingers against the steering wheel deep in thought. There was one place that I hadn’t checked yet. “I might have an idea. I’ll call you back.”

Parking close to the beach, I can already see Kordelia sitting by the water with her knees to her chest. I walk towards her without saying a word. Kordelia must’ve heard my footsteps thrashing against the sand coming close to her, and she snapped.

“Leave me alone!”

“Kory, listen,” I said.

“No! I read your notes on your desk.”

I sat next to her, but gave her some space. “I know you did.”

“Why did you keep this from me? You were about to give me up for adoption!” she yelled, with tears in her eyes. “Am I just a liability to you?”

“Kordelia,” I muttered. I felt ashamed and saddened that she found out the way she did. “It is true, I almost gave you up, but you have to understand that I was scared. And you are not a liability. Kory, will you please hear me out?” I pleaded. Kordelia re-adjusted herself and sat in a cross-legged position. I assume that she’s willing to listen, but the scrunch on her face says otherwise. Despite that, I began to tell Kordelia how I found her.

“It was about nineteen years ago when I was sitting on a beach like this …

“I was enjoying my time studying and learning about varieties of organisms that live in the hadal zone while I sat on my beach towel with my backpack. Studying or any activity by the ocean always calmed me, it was like my thoughts could wash away, just like how the water drags the seashells away from the shore. While going over my flashcards and notes, I heard a distant sound of wailing and grunting far out to my left. I tried to ignore it, thinking it was a surfer trying to come close to shore, but it started to sound like they were distant grunting in distress. Almost like a scream and heavy breathing. My concern overtaking my focus, I looked to see where it was coming from. The sun was going down and the male figure was quite far away, so I had to squint my eyes to adjust. As my vision adjusted, I see a man using his forearms to move forward while holding something. I cupped my hands around my mouth to make some sort of megaphone.

“Hey! Are you okay?” I yelled. Still, the man continued to drag himself away from the shore, then he turned on his back, clutching his stomach while wincing. He was carefully holding an object unknown to me. I had never been in this situation before. I usually try to avoid confrontation, but this was something different. I was confused and didn’t know what to do; however I knew that I just couldn’t let him suffer any longer. I walk over to him with caution, but then my gut tells me to run to him. I rolled up my sweatpants and stepped into the ocean. He wasn’t too far off, so I didn’t have to swim. As I got closer, I could see he was bleeding profusely from the side of his stomach where he was clutching. He was bleeding so much that the ocean started to change from clear blue to intense red. I swallowed and my heart raced. I took a deep breath to center myself, knowing this wasn’t the time to panic. I ripped a large piece of my t-shirt off and kneeled down to placed it firmly on his wound as he groaned.

“It’s okay! I got you; you’re going to be alright.” I assured him, while digging in my pocket to get my cellphone to call for help. I noticed that he was holding you, but what really shocked me was, he had no legs. The lower half of his body looked like a fin that you would see on a fish. It shined iridescent green against the setting sun like newly found emeralds that just reached the surface. I stood up and stepped back out of fear, but he swiftly grabbed my forearm, gripping it tight. For a man that was in pain and bleeding out at an alarming rate, he had undeniable strength.

“Please,” he paused to catch his breath, eyelids hanging low, but I could still feel his eyes piercing through my soul.

“Take her,” he lifted his arm, bringing my attention to a baby sleeping. I did not take you into my arms immediately because I was immobilized by what I saw, wondering what I should do. I started to question everything that I learned and knew about marine biology. Was I hallucinating? Was he real? How did he get hurt? How did he get this baby? How is this baby alive while being in the ocean? And what am I going to do about this child? Numerous questions swirled around in my head. The only thought that made sense at that moment was to turn around, run as fast as I could and forget that this even happened. The man squeezed my forearm again and I snapped out of it. He was crying, and his tears left a sparkling trail as they ran along his face.

“’Please,’ he begged over and over between sobs, as if he was praying. Watching this man cry and plead for help made me think of one question: Do I take you from him, or do I leave this whole situation and continue with my life? I was pursuing my master’s degree. I inhaled and kneeled to take a closer look at you. Your brown skin glowed with a shimmering bronze undertone against the sunlight. You weren’t covered in very much of anything, you were a beautiful baby girl. The man released my arm when I reached for you as you slept. My forearm had a red imprint that throbbed from his strong grip. I stood up, still holding you. You immediately snuggled close to me for warmth. The man smiled and sighed, staring up at the sky. ‘Thank you …’ he said, as his breathing started to slow and become shallow.

“’Hold on, I’m calling for help! Stay with me.’ I said in a panic, reaching for my phone again in my pocket. As I made sure I did not disturb you as you slept, I dialed 9-1-1. As the phone started to ring, I felt like no one would pick up after about five rings, but a woman’s voice answered.

“’Hello, this is 9-1-1, what is your emergency?’ said the voice on the phone.

“I stuttered, struggling to keep my words together. ‘Hello, my name is Kordell and there is a man laying by the shore bleeding out and—and he gave me his baby …’ I was about to give her more detail, but then, I thought, how I could explain this without sounding ridiculous? Would she think I was losing my mind or think that I’m on drugs?

“’Okay, okay, I need you to be calm for me, Kordell. Is he breathing?’ she asked. I looked down to check on him, only to find that he was no longer there. I looked right and left, up and down the shore. I looked to see if there was a trace of blood or anything leading to the ocean, thinking that maybe he dragged himself away, but there was no way he could have gotten far with his injury. I cursed to myself over and over, while I booted the sand.

“’Hello, is he still breathing?’ I gripped my phone, attempting to come up with something to say. The sun was almost gone. The sky turned from shades of blue and purple to the night sky with small white stars emerging. I gazed down at my chest and saw that you were awake, blinking up at me with your brown/blue sparkled eyes. Your eyes were so mesmeric, just like the ocean.

“’Are you there, sir? I will have to send the ambulance if you don’t answer soon!’ I heard the woman say through the phone. I soothed the baby by rubbing my fingers in your chestnut brown hair from front to back, then I put the phone back up to my left ear.

“’Hi, yes … sorry, the man is fine, the bleeding wasn’t major. He says that he doesn’t have health insurance,’ I told her, even though it was a lie, I reassured her that everything was fine. As I was trying to convince her that everything was all good and that there was no need for the paramedics, I also tried to convince myself that everything was okay. It felt like I was lying to myself. After what felt like forever, which was only about twenty minutes of confirming everything, I hung up the phone and noticed the moon had replaced the sun. I sighed out of exhaustion; I ran my hand through my hair, scratching the back of my head, and then across and down my face. The wind blew briefly, and the baby started to whine.

“’Crap!’ I mumble to myself. I grabbed my beach towel shaking the sand off. I wrapped the towel around you and made sure you were comfortable. I placed all my things in my backpack and placed it on one shoulder.

“’God, what a day,’ I say to myself, as I made my way inside of my apartment. You began to cry when I accidentally closed the door behind me too loudly. I let my backpack slide off my shoulder to land on the floor while I tried to shush you. But, of course, it wasn’t working. I looked around the apartment to find something to get you to stop crying. I placed you on the couch and opened my bachelor fridge just to find something to give you—anything—something good for you. I moved past all the sodas, lunchmeat, ketchup, mustard. I was about to lose hope, until the refrigerator light illuminated one single cup of apple sauce at the back. I just about kissed the cup in triumph, but I couldn’t celebrate yet.

“I hoped feeding you would calm you down so I could sleep that night. I opened the apple sauce and picked up a spoon from the drawer. I lifted you up and put you on my lap. I wasn’t sure if you were able to eat just yet, but I had to give it a shot. I took a small scoop and brought the spoon to your mouth. When you tried to chew it with your gums, it was the cutest thing. Okay, okay, sorry, I thought. I was relieved that you were able to eat, and I kept feeding you more. My mind started to drift again … what am I doing? I was wondering, how am I going to raise you? Yeah, I was feeding you, but my home was not setup for a baby. I knew I needed baby supplies, clothes, baby food. I had nothing to care for you. I was unprepared.

“At about 1:45 in the morning, you finally went back to sleep. I took some of my old t-shirts to make cloth diapers and arranged one of my pillows in a laundry basket to place you in for the night. What? I know, I know, but it was all I had at the time! Anyway, as you can imagine, I was very tired; however, I needed to speak to someone who wouldn’t think I was nuts. As I laid on the bed, I scrolled through my contacts and saw that I still had your Uncle Evan’s number. Yes, your uncle knew about this too. He knew more about merpeople folklore than I did … I knew nothing. He was a fanatic in high school. He always thought they were so beautiful. Anyway, I hadn’t talked to Evan for a while. He owned a tattoo studio just a few blocks away from the university. He actually gave me my first tattoo—but that’s beside the point. I remember he was fascinated by aquatic creatures.

“At first, I hesitated before texting him; I was still shaken up from what happened. But, thank God I did, because I would’ve been so lost. I sent a message saying that we should meet up at a local bar and catch up on things. I turned on the ringer of my flip phone and set it on my nightstand, hoping he wouldn’t be mad at me for texting him at two o’clock in the morning.

“My phone buzzed the second I placed it down, and I took it off my nightstand. Your Uncle Evan’s reply sounded more enthusiastic than I thought. I apologized for the late inconvenience, but he told me don’t worry about it and he was working on a client anyway. He told me he preferred to work at night because he usually met really cool people. I chuckled and rolled my eyes. He still hasn’t changed, after all those years. He is still the same, as you know, even today. I sent him additional information about what time and day we were to meet, and he agreed. I turned my phone off for the night and made a mental note to go grocery shopping that following morning as I started to drift to sleep.

“Those next few days before meeting up with Evan were hectic. You continued to cry over and over; I even tried to sleep through it, but you cried even louder. I tried everything; I sang to you—of course, off key, swaddled you, played loud music to cover up your cries. I wouldn’t be surprised if my neighbors at the time wanted to cry, too, from all the loud noise. Even though I held it all together, I wanted to cry as well, not from sadness, but out of frustration. I wondered, why me? Why was I chosen out of all people? I knew nothing, nothing. I felt like I was useless to you. I kept thinking that you were better off being with another family. You were in my arms, clutching my shirt as I approached the adoption center. As I reached for the door handle, I noticed that my hand was trembling.

“’This is wrong, this is wrong,” I repeated to myself, holding you closer to me. I turned around and never looked back.

“That day, after my near mistake, I met up with your Uncle Evan to catch up on things and to figure out how I was going to raise a child like you. You may not remember, but I used to have a local babysitter take care of you while I was at school and during study sessions. I preferred a stranger to babysit you instead of a family member, the babysitter was less likely to ask questions. Once the babysitter came, I left to go see Evan at the sports bar. There weren’t many people there to listen in on our conversation. I ordered two beers and waited at the nearest table.

“’Hey, Kordell!’ I heard him exclaim across the bar. Evan walked up to me with open arms, and I pulled him in for a hug and a few pats on the back. We sat down, reminiscing about high school and our childhood. He said that he hoped to give his son a good childhood too. That’s when Evan brought up that he had another baby on the way. I congratulated him and then had a wave of anxiety; this was my chance to talk about how I found you in a dying man’s arms. Just thinking about it sounded so irrational before saying it out loud. I took a long swig of my beer and exhaled before I replied.

“’Yeah, I uh … I have a baby too,” I mumbled, not making any eye contact. Evan was quiet for a moment and let out a heavy laugh and bumped my arm with his fist.

“’Get out of here!’ he shouted, and I snickered. You know how your Uncle Evan is—when he gets all excited, he starts to ramble on. He asked me so many questions about you. He wanted to know if you were a boy or a girl, how old you were? He gave me high praise, saying that I must be a great dad. Then he asks about your mother, who is she, what’s her name; I cringed as Evan went on asking a ton of questions. I told him it was best not to speak about this at the bar and that I would provide more details at my apartment. He was confused at first, but shrugged it off.

So many scenarios were running through my mind that could go wrong by sharing this information with someone I hadn’t spoken to in years. I thought of so many ways to explain how I found you. I was so nervous that I rummaged through my keys, trying to open my apartment door. Once we made it inside, I paid the babysitter and walked her out. As I sat on the couch, I cradled you while you slept.

“’So, why do we have to discuss this at your apartment?’ Evan questioned me in apprehension.

“I rubbed my jawline, trying to get my mind right while choosing my words carefully. “There is no mother. Nor is she my biological child,” I said as I made eye contact with Evan, who was leaning against my countertop.

“He opened his mouth to say something but then closed it. After a while he asked, ‘Did you adopt this kid? I’m having a hard time understanding.’

“’It’s kind of like that but its more complex than that,’” I said.

“’How can this be complex?!’” Evan yelled.

“I shushed him to quiet down and gave him more details. ‘I found her, and I assume her father, by the shore. Her father was bleeding out pretty bad; not sure what happened to him or why they were there. I was going to leave them there, but he pleaded with me to take her and while I was calling 9-1-1, he disappeared. Now, here we are.’

“Evan sank down onto one of the chairs by the counter and covered his face with his hands. ‘Kordell,’ Evan groaned, and I nodded my head, sharing his disbelief.

“’I know, I am as shocked as you are, but that’s not all of it.’ That’s when Evan looked like he was going to faint.

“’Go on,’ Evan exhaled with his eyes closed, preparing for the worst. I told him as easily as possible that your father wasn’t exactly human. It did not make sense to me after I explained what I saw that day. There was a long silence between us. Then your Uncle Evan began to smile and blurted out.

“’I knew it! I knew they existed!’ he said, and then he winced and covered his mouth to take back his loud outburst when he remembered that you were sleeping.

“Now, I was confused. ‘What are you talking about, Evan?’ I asked.

“Evan clasped his hands together before he began to elaborate. ‘There is life under the ocean, right?’ he stated.

“’Right, like fish and plants,’ I responded.

“’Yeah, but it’s not just that, they’re just like humans except they’re not,’ Evan stated.

“It took me a while to put two and two together and then my eyes went wide. ‘So, you’re telling me that what I saw and what I’m holding right now is a fish person? A merperson?!’ I interrogated. ‘I’m not going crazy?’

“’No and yes—nom you’re not going crazy, and yes, you met a merman and you’re holding a baby mermaid. Keep up, Kordell!’

“I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. You are a mermaid, Kory. I am not sure why you never developed a fishtail or why you have such strong human features. You lost your shimmering bronze undertone after the first night you were with me. Anyhow, Evan was babbling on about how he saw some merman or mermaid creatures when he was a kid, and no one believed him. He was told he was imagining things, but like I said, he became fascinated with the merfolk. Even so, it didn’t make sense to me. I was a marine biology graduate student pursing my master’s degree. I thought about how this all could tie together. I figured we were just tipsy from drinking beer and started talking about things that didn’t make any sense. Your Uncle Evan saw that I was going down a rabbit hole and put his hand on my shoulder.

“’Listen, Kordell, I know this seems unreal, but I think that this merman gave you his daughter because he trusted that you could give her a better life. From my knowledge of mythical sea creatures, they hold on to things that they cherish. So, this is a big deal, and you should be honored.’ Evan started to chuckle to himself. ‘Ya know, I’m surprised you lasted this long, to be honest.’

“Kory, did I just hear you laugh? No? Are you sure? Okay, okay back to the story.

“Evan sighed and said, ‘Well, since you’ve told me all of this, I assume you need my help. Am I right?’ I was apprehensive at the thought of receiving help from my high school best friend and giving him some of my burdens. That’s when you tugged my finger as if you reassured me to accept his help. It reminded me of your father begging me to save you. That’s when I knew that you needed me to be your new father.

“Your Uncle and I went on a two-day shopping spree, checking off a list of supplies that a baby required and grabbing things I missed during my first trip to the store. Yes, two full days—I mean, I couldn’t get everything; I had to really budget due to being a college student on a full-ride scholarship working as a student teacher. What really made a dent in my finances was buying a new crib—okay, maybe not new—but an actual functioning crib. Believe me, having a laundry basket as your crib was easier than putting one together. When everything had fallen into place, I gave Evan my most extreme gratitude because without him I wouldn’t know what I would’ve done. Evan pulled me in for a hug and whispered, ‘Any time.’ Before he left, he turned back and asked, ‘By the way, what are you going to name her?’

“I was taken back and pondered on what to name you and then gave up. “I don’t know. I’m not creative when it comes to things like this. It’s been a tough week and I need to get back to my studies.” Evan nodded and grinned, “You don’t have to think creatively, just think about who you look up to. Hey, I got to go before my wife gets too worried about me. See ya. Take care of my niece!’ I laughed and waved him off.

“After he left, the thought of giving you a meaningful name was my top priority. Considering that I was claiming you as my daughter, I wanted you to be a part of my family. I paced around my apartment until I came across my high school graduation picture, hanging on my wall, of me and my grandmother, someone who believed in me with no doubt in their mind. Unfortunately, about a month before I went to college, she passed away. I felt like I lost my number one supporter. She never doubted my ability to become a marine biologist. For some reason, you gave me the same hope my grandmother did and that’s how I figured out what to name you: Kordelia. By the way, I am also named after my grandmother.

“You are my daughter. I will always love you, Kordelia. Plus, you’re the only one who can stand watching “Family Matters” with me. One of my fondest memories is when we first watched “Family Matters” together. When you were a baby, you would cry at night and would not go to sleep. I happened to turn on “Family Matters,” and after about five minutes, you fell asleep on my chest. That night, I kissed your forehead to seal my promise to you that no one would harm you. The audience from the show happened to say ‘aww’ right on cue. Isn’t that funny?

Kordelia pressed her face against my chest and tears started to bleed through my shirt. “I’m sorry dad, I’m sorry I ran off, I’m so sorry.” Her cries were muffled, and I rubbed her head just like I did the first time I held her.

“Don’t be sorry, Kory. I should be; I should’ve told you this sooner.” There was a long cold breeze that passed through us, and I noticed Kordelia shivered. “Let’s head back home before it gets dark, yeah?”


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